Okay, let’s get the basics out of the way first. Let’s just talk nuts and bolts about a storage unit you’re going to purchase now but, truly need, when the oh too imminent future arrives. You want to get the storage unit now, believe me because, when the … okay, I gotta, I gotta … stay calm here and be helpful. Trust me you’ll want that storage unit now.

Does it have …

Some things you want to make sure the storage unit complex has before you plunk down your hard earned cash. Cash you could be using to buy food, weapons and …okay, okay, sorry … sorry.

Make sure;

-A manager is on site seven days a week.

-Website has full photo gallery of all sizes and lists all rates and pay online options.

-Is the place well lit with lots of cameras? Lots of cameras. I’m serious here, you are going to want an inordinate number of cameras, trust me.

-Have the units been checked and proofed for leaks? Is there water damage on the ceiling or the floor? See, if that’s the case, you’re looking at cracks or weaknesses in the structure and that is something you want to avoid. Make sure the unit is solid. It has got to be solid.

-Are there extended gate hours, can you get to your thing’s… a gate, let’s just cut to the chase on this one, is there a gate? A good, strong, very high gate? If there’s not a gate, I’m telling you, turn around right now and walk away. I mean it. Do not look at a chain link fence and think, that should be fine, that will keep me safe, because … you know …it won’t. They will rip through a chain link fence like a hot knife through I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. You NEED a gate. And that gate needs to be attached to a good, high, sturdy, fence. Preferably with, you know, spikes on the top. Big spikes and I don’t mean ornamental and pretty. You’ll want steel, sharpened spikes. Sharp …

You Need This To Exist

Okay, I’m sorry, I tried to, you know, remain calm and just be helpful about getting your credenza into a good storage unit but the time for that is long past and frankly, I don’t even know what the hell a credenza is. We need to talk survival because it’s coming. Some will deny it, scoff at it but, not you, not you, gentle reader, you know. So, what we are talking about here is …

What you need in Your Storage Unit to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

You can forget about the manager being on site because he’ll probably be trying to eat your brains. However, you do want a place with a lot of cameras and backup power sources for those cameras. A good gate, a high fences with, with sharpened, pointy things on top, yes, yes you’ll want that as well. Do check the unit you’re purchasing for signs of water damage because, as I stated, that’s going to show you weakness in the structure. There’s going to be enough to worry about without having to wonder if you’re unit is going to collapse. So …

Stocking Up

This is a process that needs to take time and patience. You don’t want to just rent a truck and buy 3 tons of food, 200,00 gallons of water and some Mentos. That’s going to attract all kinds of attention. When the … poop … goes down, you’re going to want to take care of yourself first, numero uno. You don’t need a ton of neighbors and strangers suddenly remembering that Ol’ Bob has been stockpiling food and water, let’s go stay with him. No, no. That’s a one way ticket to the brain buffet. Build up your survival supplies slowly, carefully. Also, if you do it one felled swoop, think of the fabulous sales you may miss out on. Being safe doesn’t mean you have to waste money.

In Your Room

When the initial zombie wave happens you’re going to have to hunker down for some time so, you’ll want to turn your storage unit into a comfortable place to hang out in, chill in and do your living in for about two months straight. You’ll need a bed and a basic chest of drawers for clothes. Shelving units, heavy duty ones that will hold serious materials. A lamp, at least one comfy chair and, seriously, a throw rug of some sort because, nothing ties a room together better than a well chosen throw rug. Keep it simple, you’ll want to save as much space as possible for supplies. Still you don’t have to deny yourself some comforts just because the world is ending.

(Side note; If you want to get stuff at Ikea do it now because, when the Zombies come they will tear that place down first. Zombies hate Ikea.)

Get This Stuff

Water. You’ll want water, a lot of fresh water in easily accessible containers. If you think to yourself, this is enough water, it’s not, double it. You will want water.

Food. Now, this is going to be tough because you want to avoid perishables. I know, I know, but, if you start buying now, you can prep yourself for the coming years without Taco Bell, In and Out Burger and anything green. So, you’re looking for MRE’s, meals-ready to eat and other canned foods. Things that you can eat right out of the can, things you don’t need to cook. Might I suggest that you start now, eating a can of chili or soup with just a spoon and no heating, say, once a week do you get used to it. You do not want to be in your storage unit, zombies raging outside and then suddenly realize, dear God, on top of all that I have to eat cold canned chili. Prepare yourself for it my friends, prepare yourself.

(Side note; If you have time and extra room, maybe you can get a Bunsen burner or some cans of sterno and heat stuff up. I suggest you save that for special treats, birthdays, holidays, celebrate your first 100 zombie kills. Not for everyday use, just for special times.)

Weapons. So, according to the Harvard Medical journal, the only way to kill a Zombie is to pierce or remove it’s head. Anything else just leaves them wondering and upsets them. Hard to stop and upset and determined zombie. Now, the best way to do this, of course, is with a gun. Pistols, rifles, high powered weapons, those are great, get yourself to a firing range now and become a sniper-esque marksman, you’ll be set. However, maybe you’re not a good shot and, you’ve got to think about space. The space that’s going to be taken up in your storage unit with the tons of ammo you’ll need could be used for food, water … fig newtons. You can use a bow and arrows, you can use and axe my choice is the spear. Think about it, length so you have distance, stealth and reusable. Also, you can sharpen that sucker down continuously. So, Get a gun for tough situations, surrounded by those bastards but, for everyday kills, a spear is a good choice. Have a few of those on hand. Oh, on hand, see what I did there. Funny.

Night Vision Goggles. Invest in a good set or sets of these. You’re going to want the advantage when you need to night forage or use the port-o-john. Also, it’s fun to watch your snotty, “There’s no such thing as zombies” neighbors as their being devoured in the dark. Entertainment value on that alone makes these worth the price.

Batteries and flashlights. You will want to load your storage unit with batteries and flashlights. That’s kind of a no brainer. Everything basic and useful is going to require batteries and when the power grid goes down, you don’t want to be the one walking up to someone else’s unit and asking to borrow a cup of double A’s. batteries and flashlights will keep you going.

Fire Starters. At some point you’re going to have to leave the safety of your unit. You’ll need fresh meet, more supplies. Maybe you’ve met someone on I Ain’t No Zombie dot com and you have a date. Who knows why but, it’s going to happen. In those cases, you’re going to want have plenty of things to use to start a fire. Matches, waterproof variety are always a good fall back. Lighters, the disposable type are great, flint and wading in a complete pinch works as well. Make sure you have plenty of fire starting devices on hand. And … candles, for safety, for emergency and, you know, for those romantic moments. Love in the ruins, baby, love in the ruins.

Also this stuff; Two can openers, the manual type. Because you will misplace one and then just kick yourself for not having a back up. Books, musical instruments, craft items. You’re going to need some distractions from the daily, zombie grind. Reading a book, playing the ukulele or making some nice hand made cards for friend (real or imaginary) are all great ways to “escape” the endless zombie-ness. Knives. Lot so of knives, for eating and for, you know, killing. In a zombie apocalypse one cannot have too many knives.

Whew, okay, well I feel a whole lot better. Now you have practical, applicable knowledge that’s going to help you survive the inevitable nightmare. Again, start early, don’t wait until black Friday to start stocking up. Do it in a slow, organized manner. Be smart, think ahead and maybe we can meet for a drink on the vast, zombie decimated wasteland.